Journal: May 31//must be a new moon

I can live life open without being reckless. Split second decisions need not be made simply with wants but also what haves. What do I have to work with? What do I have working for me? If it is selfish to relieve this suffering suffocation, then so be it. I know now, I will never be able to live with myself if I were to deny experience. I am a writer, after all, I thrive on experience, culture, people. And for these, I must be in motion. Motion does not always mean running away, and I need to get that idea out of my head right now. This ‘running away’ fear. It is an excuse for my fear of uncertainty; of jumping blindfolded into a dark lake at midnight. My masochist tendency to deny myself certain desires and allow myself others far more destructive. Destroying is synonymous with creating; I know that much. Yet I still fear the backtracking. The failure. When, as a writer, it is silly to magnify failures into anything more than writing material. The end result is my journey, and the journey is my growth, be that through pain and heartache or thrill and adventure. The decisions that matter are the ones I make once I get there. May they be honorable and just, smart and Guided. God help me.