Journal Entry: Is there a battle? Or only excuses?

I feel like I’m losing my mind. And when I say that, being such a vague, overused term, I mean that at times, I cannot find myself amidst the racing thoughts, the rapid changing moods – from content to restless, inquisitive to frustrated, optimistic to hate, joy to despair. At these times, I forget my self. And ponder such fruitless questions as ‘who am I?’ and ‘who have I become?’.

With this ‘insanity’ also comes an infuriating amount of awareness of control. Infuriating because the control that lingers mostly appears unattainable. And with self-awareness also comes the realization that, if I were to battle at my highest level of endurance, I could overcome the irrational being within. For the madness mimics possession, as if a separate entity were invading my usual self which is powerless to fight. I am not powerless to when it comes to my self. And this is the battle within. The battle for self and control and peace. And perhaps insinuating a ‘battle’ causes more distress than is warranted. As it were, being frightened of self is defeating. If I have already rolled over and exposed my white belly, there is no hope. Hope comes from within. Sometimes behind the fear, sometimes at the forefront. Sometimes there is no telling who will be victor: self or fear, beer or blade, blood or life. Helpless is enemy. Not self. Discouragement is the devil within. Not self. I don’t hate my self. I hate the other that possesses.

Is there a battle? Or only excuses?