this is a poem about the past

once I was depressed.

and I don’t mean: ‘one time I felt depressed’

I mean,

before now,

all I ever knew was a suffocating emptiness,

a throbbing loneliness from this dead thing in my chest,

my being knew no purpose,

confusion found me often in simple tasks:

waking, walking, bathing.

with an affinity for sharp things,

I dove soul-first into destruction;

drives to nowhere,

20 cigarettes expelled into aimless nights,

praying for a car crash, a heart attack.

I believed praying was a selfish act

because I believed I was the only one who heard.